Americans, Americans, Americans.........

I have dealt with a lot of Americans in my life, now before I go into my rant I should say the Americans I have met in Egypt have been for the most part worldly and intelligent people, although there was one girl who told me her entire sexual history like 10 minutes after meeting her (that's weird no?). So yeah this rant is about the Americans I met in Europe, most of them at the airport. So where do I begin? Lets start with the Irish pub in Mainz, this place was a favorite with the US army guys back when I lived there and at first it was like walking into a film (well I had only ever seen them on TV before). I will never forget the first time a soldier slid up to me at the bar and asked in a southern drawl "Excuse me, do you speak American?" I almost sputtered on my drink, I looked him up and down and gave him the most haughty answer I could muster which was "No I bloody well do not!!". American?? Is that even a language?
Then there were the guys who wanted to meet at the "big ass church", Huh sorry what? Oh you mean the CATHEDRAL!! Once a girl came into the pub, she was a teacher in the States and was visiting her brother who was stationed in Germany. She looked up at the map of the UK and Ireland that was hanging on the wall and ran over to it excitedly, "Ohhhh my god, you mean there is sea separating Ireland and England? Where can I get a copy of this to show my friends???" I think every European in there had their mouths open in shock, I mean really? and shes a teacher, what hope are there for the rest of them??
The airport was a wonderful place to experience Americans at their best. I used to check passports for United Airlines and was once standing at my desk at the United counters, now its pretty obvious that they were united counters as they had United written on them...... So an American family approches, they stop and stare at the counters for 2 minutes then come to me and say "excuse me, is this United Airlines?" THEY WERE JUST STARING AT THE TV SCREENS ON TOP OF THE COUNTERS!! and well me being who I am, I just couldn't resist the urge to be sarcastic and replied "No, No this is British Airways, we just write United to confuse people" well can you imagine what they did next??? They apologized for taking my time and turned away to continue their search for United!! Of course I ran after them and brought them back but dear me!
There was once a guy who had a very high position with a leading junk food company. Our conversation went like this:
Me - "Hello sir, where are you coming from today?
Him- "London"
Me- "So how long have you been in Europe sir?"
Him- "I wasn't in Europe I was in London!"
Me (totally ignoring this) "so how long have you been in Europe?"
Him (pissed off) "SINCE WHEN HAS LONDON BEEN IN EUROPE?" 
ME (in my sweetest voice ever) "Since the continents were formed sir?"
Isn't that just shocking? I mean here is a guy with a decent education and a wonderful position in his company and still he is capable of complete and utter ignorance.
The UK flights always proved to be funny, Non europeans have to fill out a landing card upon entering the UK and we had to give these things out. For most nationals it was a simple procedure, we just asked them if they are in transit in the UK, if they said yes then it meant no card if they said no it meant a card. So of course we quickly figured this was a bit too complicated for most Americans who fly and we simplified the question a little, well a lot, what we now said was "Will you be entering the UK and staying there or will you be getting onto another plane and flying to another country?" To which the answer would be "What do you mean?" god give me strength!! What do YOU mean, what do I mean?? I cant make it any more simple can I???
So once we had figured out that they are staying in the UK we would hand them the landing card back with their passport... the next gem came "Do I have to fill this out???" Nooooooooooooooooo you have to wipe you ass with it as there is no toilet paper on the plane! Wtf of course you have to fill it out. Why the hell would I give you a form that you don't have to fill out!!! Boooooooom that's it for now, my rant about yanks is over. Peace.

Memories of the airport....

Kati came over for beer last night as she does most nights of the week... love you Kati :)
Anyway we got to talking about the famine in Somalia which is of course terrible and I sure worthy of it's own blog post entirely, but this posting isn't about that. It made me think of the Somali's I had dealt with at the airport and one guy in particular.....
I was taking a smoke break in the staff area when I got a call asking me to check on a situation at the gate, there were problems with a Somali passenger....
The agent working the flight was originally from Pakistan and he was one of the nicest, calmest, politest people you could meet, really a charming guy, we will call him Khan as I have terribly forgotten this nice mans name.
So I stubbed out my cigarette, left my coffee standing and ran to the gate expecting to find a forged passport or an impostor (Someone using another person's passport),  what i found was a very angry looking Somali guy and a very stressed looking Khan. I spoke to Khan quickly to check the situation, the guy had a British refugee travel document and Khan had simply asked him about his trip, how long he had been out of the UK and a bit about his life in the UK, now it might sound strange that we ask this but we really needed to ascertain that the guy in front of us really was the one in the passport, and we needed to be sure that he really did live in the UK and know about general life there. We have to do this because so many Somali's send their travel documents to Somalia for their (Very similar looking) family members to use, so normally a few simple questions about the UK have to be asked in order to make us feel that the Doc is in the right hands. Anyway so as I was saying Khan was basically doing his job and doing so in an incredibly cool and polite way. The Somali guy was waving his hands around and screaming "I am a British Citizen" (he wasn't as I mentioned he was an official refugee with the right to stay in the UK).
So here's where it gets good.... the guy turns to me whilst pointing at Khan and yells "THIS FUCKING PAKI IS A RACIALIST!!!!" I wasn't sure if I correctly heard and asked him to repeat himself "I SAID THIS FUCKING PAKI IS A RACIALIST!!" Wow he really did just make one of the most contradictory and wrong sentences I have heard in my life! I stopped myself from laughing and put on my best snooty voice "Sir if it is racist you mean, I can assure you that the only person I can hear being racist at present is you" he carried on with his tirade and I then went on to tell him we were calling the police to make a report about his insults (don't you just love Germany, you can make reports about EVERYTHING) and that he wouldn't be flying tonight, I then walked over to the desk to inform the airline of the decision and while I was on my way the Somali guy rolled up his newspaper and smacked Khan over the head with it!!!!!!!!!!!! Now when I think about it I have to laugh like hell but back then it was serious and it almost escalated,Khan finally lost his cool and went to push the guy, which is of course a huge no, no so I ran and get between them and stayed between them until the police showed up and arrested the crazy Somali guy!!
Wonderful days at the airport really