Americans, Americans, Americans.........

I have dealt with a lot of Americans in my life, now before I go into my rant I should say the Americans I have met in Egypt have been for the most part worldly and intelligent people, although there was one girl who told me her entire sexual history like 10 minutes after meeting her (that's weird no?). So yeah this rant is about the Americans I met in Europe, most of them at the airport. So where do I begin? Lets start with the Irish pub in Mainz, this place was a favorite with the US army guys back when I lived there and at first it was like walking into a film (well I had only ever seen them on TV before). I will never forget the first time a soldier slid up to me at the bar and asked in a southern drawl "Excuse me, do you speak American?" I almost sputtered on my drink, I looked him up and down and gave him the most haughty answer I could muster which was "No I bloody well do not!!". American?? Is that even a language?
Then there were the guys who wanted to meet at the "big ass church", Huh sorry what? Oh you mean the CATHEDRAL!! Once a girl came into the pub, she was a teacher in the States and was visiting her brother who was stationed in Germany. She looked up at the map of the UK and Ireland that was hanging on the wall and ran over to it excitedly, "Ohhhh my god, you mean there is sea separating Ireland and England? Where can I get a copy of this to show my friends???" I think every European in there had their mouths open in shock, I mean really? and shes a teacher, what hope are there for the rest of them??
The airport was a wonderful place to experience Americans at their best. I used to check passports for United Airlines and was once standing at my desk at the United counters, now its pretty obvious that they were united counters as they had United written on them...... So an American family approches, they stop and stare at the counters for 2 minutes then come to me and say "excuse me, is this United Airlines?" THEY WERE JUST STARING AT THE TV SCREENS ON TOP OF THE COUNTERS!! and well me being who I am, I just couldn't resist the urge to be sarcastic and replied "No, No this is British Airways, we just write United to confuse people" well can you imagine what they did next??? They apologized for taking my time and turned away to continue their search for United!! Of course I ran after them and brought them back but dear me!
There was once a guy who had a very high position with a leading junk food company. Our conversation went like this:
Me - "Hello sir, where are you coming from today?
Him- "London"
Me- "So how long have you been in Europe sir?"
Him- "I wasn't in Europe I was in London!"
Me (totally ignoring this) "so how long have you been in Europe?"
Him (pissed off) "SINCE WHEN HAS LONDON BEEN IN EUROPE?" 
ME (in my sweetest voice ever) "Since the continents were formed sir?"
Isn't that just shocking? I mean here is a guy with a decent education and a wonderful position in his company and still he is capable of complete and utter ignorance.
The UK flights always proved to be funny, Non europeans have to fill out a landing card upon entering the UK and we had to give these things out. For most nationals it was a simple procedure, we just asked them if they are in transit in the UK, if they said yes then it meant no card if they said no it meant a card. So of course we quickly figured this was a bit too complicated for most Americans who fly and we simplified the question a little, well a lot, what we now said was "Will you be entering the UK and staying there or will you be getting onto another plane and flying to another country?" To which the answer would be "What do you mean?" god give me strength!! What do YOU mean, what do I mean?? I cant make it any more simple can I???
So once we had figured out that they are staying in the UK we would hand them the landing card back with their passport... the next gem came "Do I have to fill this out???" Nooooooooooooooooo you have to wipe you ass with it as there is no toilet paper on the plane! Wtf of course you have to fill it out. Why the hell would I give you a form that you don't have to fill out!!! Boooooooom that's it for now, my rant about yanks is over. Peace.

Toilet humour

Toilets are different the world over and are often a hot topic with expats. In Germany, it was the "poo shelf" that got us talking. I mean do Germans really inspect their poo? Where do they learn what to look for? How do they know the difference between a good poo and a bad poo? All I can say is that they are a pain to keep clean and it's sometimes very hard to flush the offending items away.
When I moved to Egypt, I dont really know what I expected of the toilets, maybe a hole in the ground? what I didnt expect was for my whole bathroom experience (like the way I put that?) to be revolutionized! You see the Egyptians have a little pipe that sprays out water and cleans you when you are done, eliminating the need for toilet paper and cleaning you very well indeed. I love it!! in fact if it wasnt for my room mates I would give up on toilet paper all together. Its now at the point where I get quite panicked if I dont find the knob at the side of the toilet to control the water. The Hyatt doesnt have it in their toilets and I failed to locate it in the Ace club in Maadi. The problem is once you have started with it, it's very, very hard to feel hygenic when not using one. I have to say I am also very proud of myself for adapting to the "Egyptian way". I just need to stop hovering and actually put my arse on the seat to complete the full transformation.
The water pressure can sometimes cause problems, in some places the pressure is so high that the water sprays out of the toilet, soaking the bathroom floor. Tip if the floor is wet when you enter the bathroom then turn the knob with caution. A problem we have at home is the temprature of the water. For some reason the water gets very hot very fast and sends you jumping off the toilet at a speed equivilant to a pilot being ejected from an ejecter seat. One great complait I have about my bathroom experiences here in Cairo isnt related to the toilet itself but the people banging on the door. I dont know if men have the same problem but every time I go to a public bathroom here the story is always the same. I get myself comfortable for a few seconds and then the banging starts, sometimes accompanied by a "hallo, hallo". What is that? Do they not see the toilet is locked therefore engaged? Do they want me to let them in so they can join me? What do they want exactly? And really its every single time. I learned to cherish those few seconds of peace at the beginning. I also have become very stubborn with them and make a point of taking longer once the knocking starts, its not hard to do as I normally have a book stashed in my bag. When I open the door they always see my glare and say sorry. So if you have to say sorry then you know what your doing is not right. So why do it? Why, Why, Why, Why, Why?. I asked a girl at work about this a while back. She was doing the same and actually asked "who is inside?" When I got out I asked her why? She told me she was checking the toilet was busy.... Er the door being locked isn't a clue? I actually said this to her and then she said she wanted to check I was ok and not dead or something. Yeah that's my Cairo toilet humour